LA gave this gift to me
Do you ever find a song that applies to you so perfectly right when you hear it? If you had the skills to channel your emotions, you would have recorded it yourself? Cruiser by the Red House Painters is that kind of song for me right now. Check it out.
Tangent. I feel like my worth is proportional to my work in other people’s eyes. Although the quality of my work tends to be high, it’s a shitty feeling. Like being a commodity.
KSCR is a lot of investment for no return lately. Let’s hope the broker has a long-term plan for me. #
August 16th, 2003 at 5:15 am
Dear Kampie,
I was randomly checking my buddy list and I saw this link. Disclaimer: I’m hope you won’t take this stuff too seriously. Especially since I’m not in your inner circle. This is just what I perceive. From seeing you and then reading some of your stuff early this morning.
You know that literary reference thing? Well as I read your three most recent entries I feel like the sleazy bar guy who carves out a hole next to the urinal so I can peep the women in the bathroom next door. Not that I’ve ever been to a bar.
But yeah, I feel like I’m invading your space — and I’m generally good at that.
Um. Commodity? From my experience prepping a few KSCR shows (namely, RemyZero) I know someone treated me like a commodity. ::ahem:: I won’t mention his name. It was all very slight and in just one day and he probably didn’t mean it.
I can’t even imagine how it would feel as long as you’ve been around. But my dad said it like this: many of the top people don’t do anything. They just delegate and find someone who works hard to do it for them. And then everyone praises them for being such a great “leader.”
My dad was trying to dissuade me from overworking myself. And I pass it on. The only thing is, I disagree just a little. I say work hard. But do it for yourself. Do it with dignity. Don’t do it to watch jerkoffs get all randy because you slaved for them.
But it’s all about mentality, man. Nothing I say can really dig you out of it. If you’ve been thinking like this for so long, anything slight will “make you feel like __________” (fill in the blank with something negative.)
I really hope you remember what you said like two entries ago. Something about you will not let anything depress you. You really have to think like that to not let people sway you into a mood. Most of these people are unsuspecting anyways and they’re not trying to bring you down. Really.
From what it seems, you are hiding. You play it all cool and lighthearted when you’re around and then you go home and everything slips away and you wind down, spiral down into some hell. Okay maybe the language is melodramatic.
But I know a similar feeling. Like there’s no reason to be depressed or pissed off or whatever, but it’s there and ever-present.
I used to think that this sort of alone, depressed version of me that had no facades was the real me. But it’s not true.
(Sorry about the length of this by the way. I never get to talk about this stuff to you. In person, I get hung up on your sarcasm. And often I feel like you treat me like I’m dumb — which is part of my own insecurity.)
Many people here see something in you, no matter what you think. No matter what shortcomings you think you have. And if you are putting on an act, people can still see you through it and they still stick around because they still like you.
Give people credit. Your friends, the station are most likely not trying to use you. But they cannot be your sanity guage either. When you think you have to stop, stop. “F*ck it.” Rest. You know your limits.
August 16th, 2003 at 11:53 am
I don’t really think we have a management problem, they’re good people. They have good intentions, at least. I just feel like if I quit tomorrow, I’d never see any KSCR people again.
But you’re right about most everything. Thanks.
August 16th, 2003 at 1:15 pm
Oh, and for what it’s worth, I wasn’t only talking about KSCR.
August 16th, 2003 at 10:38 pm
I think your feeling of yourself as a commodity-based individual is largely a facet of being American. Think “Penetration” and you get the idea.
August 16th, 2003 at 11:47 pm
I don’t think it’s a facet of being American. We didn’t invent money. But you’re right-on about Penetration.
October 4th, 2003 at 1:34 pm
I also used to think that this sort of alone, depressed version of me that had no facades was the real me. But it?s not true, I’m glad and happy. Just a little sad when it’s raining.
October 12th, 2003 at 9:31 am
Hello Folks,nice site youre running!
October 23rd, 2003 at 5:20 am
Well, Everybody is posting stuff so i’ll do it too! here are my links: