Land or death
Long week. Studying pays now and pays later, I regulated my midterms. It only goes downhill from here — I’ll take twenty units next semester, and lose the time I never had. If I do two summer semesters, I can graduate CECS with a music minor and a neuroscience minor. The thing is, I know I want to do the neuroscience, and I know I’ll go crazy without the music anyway. It’s something I love more than anything else right now, but seems like a burden at the same time. Performing is wonderful, but you can only take so much, it’s too much of a good thing.
School is like that — a love, and a burden. It feels great to have worked when I’m above ground staring back at the trenches. That feeling makes up a good amount of my motivation to work. It’s mostly elitism, but there’s not much wrong with that in this context. The work is like the midst of a bad stomach ache, consciousness shelled by exploding bursts of pain — you can’t bring to mind any time but now, the future infinitely far away.
That doesn’t mean that not working is any more enjoyable. Contempt for the break seeps in, and I start up again. Working brings a certain consistency to my life, a certain predictability that everyone needs, even if my need is more of a want.
It’s cold, and I’m going to sleep. #
