Long week. Studying pays now and pays later, I regulated my midterms. It only goes downhill from here — I’ll take twenty units next semester, and lose the time I never had. If I do two summer semesters, I can graduate CECS with a music minor and a neuroscience minor. The thing is, I know I want to do the neuroscience, and I know I’ll go crazy without the music anyway. It’s something I love more than anything else right now, but seems like a burden at the same time. Performing is wonderful, but you can only take so much, it’s too much of a good thing.
School is like that — a love, and a burden. It feels great to have worked when I’m above ground staring back at the trenches. That feeling makes up a good amount of my motivation to work. It’s mostly elitism, but there’s not much wrong with that in this context. The work is like the midst of a bad stomach ache, consciousness shelled by exploding bursts of pain — you can’t bring to mind any time but now, the future infinitely far away.
That doesn’t mean that not working is any more enjoyable. Contempt for the break seeps in, and I start up again. Working brings a certain consistency to my life, a certain predictability that everyone needs, even if my need is more of a want.
It’s cold, and I’m going to sleep. #
Transmission third world war third round
A decade of the weapon of sound above ground
Ain’t no shelter if you’re looking for shade
I lick shots at the brutal charade
As the polls close like a casket
On truth devoured
A silent play on the shadow of power
A spectacle monopolized
The camera’s eye on choice disguised
Was it cast for the mass who burn and toil?
Or for the vultures who thirst for blood and oil?
A spectacle monopolized
They hold the reins and stole your eyes
The fistagons bullets and bombs
Who stuff the banks
Who staff the party ranks
More for Gore or the son of a drug lord
None of the above fuck it cut the cord
Rage Against the Machine #
I sit, bleary eyes bombarded by the product of millions of electron collisions, barely focused on my future and all too focused on my past. At school I always seem to fail in the race for first, somebody always working harder, learning more. Second best at a school like this being orders of magnitude above first at other schools. And so, that fear rationalized, my fear is that I only have four years to do what I want here, because college is a place for doing what you want, not what others want. What I want being more than what I can have, which is the terminal condition of the human race.
First I was healthy, and then the cat made me sick, and now work makes me sick, which makes me wonder if too much work is some sort of allergen. No allergy shot this weekend; I have two midterms next week. No work on Friday night, suspect fled the scene, the indictment will come tomorrow morning.
I sit, stare at my speakers, listen to my headphones, and think about the girls I don’t write about here. Perpetually scared of listing my thoughts, the thoughts of other people more important than they should be. Working through the six rejections game, listening to the party outside my window in the gaps between gapless playback, I wonder if the only way to find a girl is to act like all those other guys who drink themselves attractive. The waiting is the hardest part, and I feel like I should be doing something to remedy the empty feeling, but I feel like proaction is at the bottom of my mixed morals, and I know that in another life proaction is at the bottom of a mixed drink. But it’s not the alcohol, it’s acting in that scene without my SAG card, and it’s the creativity to have something to say to the girl that I take to the coffee shop, and the endurance to wait for the right one to take. Which could be the problem, because hindsight’s rosy glare makes the girls in my past seem all too perfect, and I can barely focus on my future. #
aludra.usc.edu(52): gmake hana
g++ -g -c -Wall hana.cc
hana.cc: In function `int main()’:
hana.cc:121: Internal compiler error 390.
hana.cc:121: Please submit a full bug report.
hana.cc:121: See <URL:http://www.gnu.org/software
/gcc/faq.html#bugreport> for instructions.
gmake: *** [hana.o] Error 1
aludra.usc.edu(53): #
